The Family Christmas Letter

Ah yes, the Christmas letter. You know what I’m talking about. The letter that only the bravest of families dares to send. I think most of us harbor a secret desire to send such a letter. So I’m here for you. I am going to provide a template for those of you who need a little assistance. It’s a multiple choice format so it should cover almost every contingency.

a. Happy Hannukah

b. Merry Christmas

c. Word Up 

Greetings from (a. your hometown; b. Loserville; c. family rehab). We have had such a (a. challenging; b. rewarding; c. shitty) year. Everyone in our family is super (a. excited b. morose c. inebriated) for the holidays. We hope you are too! 

The past year holds so many (a. wonderful b. painful c. haunting) memories. We had the (a. good; b. mis-; c. ruinous) fortune of having (a. my mother-in-law; b. our transgendered nephew; c. a homeless carnival worker) move in with us. It is a (a. blessed; b. Jerry Springer-esque; c. scarringly dysfunctional ) situation and we are (a. trying to make the best of it; b. having the locks changed this afternoon; c. doing internet searches for  clever ways to dispose of human remains). 

Dad is (a. having a great year; b. missing and presumed dead; c. dating his therapist). He is just as (a. driven; b. co-dependent; c. manic-depressive and arbitrary) as ever. As he likes to say every year at this time: (a. “God Bless Us- Everyone!” b. “Being stupid is its own reward” c. “If you think some fat ass in a red suit is gonna get credit for all of my hard work, think again!!”). 

Mom is (a. Junior League President; b. practicing for an upcoming role on the reality TV show “Cougarville”; c. testing the chemical boundaries of Ambien mixed with chardonnay).  She recently had to (a. serve on a committee at church to choose a new Pastor; b. punch the bitch at the dry cleaners for sporting an attitude; c. make restitution to the PTA for some accounting irregularities). It was truly (a. heartwarming; b. epic; c. You-Tube worthy) but in the end it should (a. work out for the best; b. blow up in our faces; c. lead to a lengthy prison sentence). 

Our son is working (a. for a tech start-up; b. for the largest meth lab in Wise County; c. on his burp rendition of “Beethoven’s Sixth Symphony”). He and his co-workers (a. just launched a highly successful IPO; b. charred several hundred acres and burned down twelve mobile homes in a five alarm fire; c. hacked into the computers at Wal-Mart corporate headquarters and stole thousands of social security numbers). We are (a. waiting for him to buy us our dream home in Colorado; b. getting ready to send his “talents” to South Beach; c. so done with him). 

Our daughter is (a. an honor student and cheerleader; b. a wiccan cult leader; c. a gluten free vegan). She always (a. volunteers at the local food pantry; b. finds new places on her body to pierce; c. smells like fritos and dirty socks). We can’t wait for her to (a. enroll at Yale next year; b. STFU; c. buy some shampoo and a razor). 

That’s all for this year! Be sure to (a. look us up if you’re in the neighborhood; b. keep on a-walkin’ if our Van’s a-rockin’; c.  smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em). 

The ____________ Family


7 thoughts on “The Family Christmas Letter

  1. Wow Tim – funniest stuff I have read in years! Too spot on – my family letter, if honest, would veer in the darker directions of your post, but not the darkest. You have given me both solice and inspiration. If we can get through the holidays with “having the locks changed this afternoon,” I will feel quite blessed. Merry Christmas to you and your family. — Paul

  2. This is absolutely great stuff. I am, however, slightly terrified to learn that your mind works in a way that supports actually creating this little masterpiece.

  3. I was doing some research for an image to use with my own blog post about the dreaded “Family Christmas Letter” and I found your blog. This was hilarious!! I’ve already written mine but if I hadn’t I must admit I would have been tempted to steal some of your ideas. I loved this! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah or Word Up… whichever fits you and yours the best. 🙂

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