Perfect Me


I’m a rather accomplished bearer of the double standard. If you’re driving too slow and in my way, you’re a doddering fool. If you’re driving too fast and you pass me on the right, you’re a maniac. If my wife wants new kitchen countertops, she’s a profligate. If I need 15 season tickets to TCU football games, it’s a good investment. This is a trait I have carefully cultivated over the years.

It is particularly useful at sporting events. When I root for my team, I’m the picture of comportment. I only criticize the officiating when absolutely warranted. I have irreproachable discernment in matters of pass interference, out of bounds and personal fouls. Unfortunately fans of opposing teams typically don’t know shit about the rules or sportsmanship. Just the other night at my daughter’s 8th grade basketball game I had to  demonstrate for a fan of the other team when it was appropriate to clang one’s cowbell. To make certain the lesson had the proper adhesive I held my friend’s bell next to the other fan’s ear each time our team scored. I think he got the lesson.

I once had a case against an apartment complex. The owner of the complex was an arrogant jerk who didn’t give a damn about his tenants. We settled the case after three days of trial. Several months later that same owner called and asked me to represent him in a dispute with a neighboring landowner. He showed up with a nice retainer and it turns out he wasn’t such a bad guy after all.

I often eat alone. I like to gather my thoughts..or read…or write. I don’t think its because I’m anti-social. But when I see others eating alone I immediately think to myself: “That poor loser must not have any friends.”

Judges who rule against me are dipshits. Judges who rule in my favor are merely following the law. I can criticize my kids, my church, my penmanship, my fat fingers….but if you do it, you’re crossing the line.

When the lady in front of me in the check out line at the store decides to use a book of coupons, I give a mild yet entirely appropriate eye roll. When I fumble through my pockets for some loose change as I reach the register I am appalled at the impatience of some people.

My body odors are as fragrant as lilacs and lavender. Yours smell like vinegar and rotten fish. Your friends are…well….odd. My friends are just a little quirky.

Warning labels do not apply to me. I’m dexterous enough to handle a chainsaw in a driving rain without the safety cover. You, on the other hand, should probably wear safety goggles when using a letter opener.

These double standards likely appear contradictory to you. Not to me. Just because they’re different, doesn’t mean they aren’t true.


One thought on “Perfect Me

  1. Continuing the theme, it is strange that the people we describe as “really smart” are the ones we agree with. That term is rarely applied to someone who is so obviously wrong.

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