Screw You Randy Newman


Screw you Randy Newman. And you too Stone-Tarlow shoe company. I’m coming after you. Who’s with me?

I’ve had it in for Newman since 1977 when he released his hit single “Short People.”

“They got little hands, little eyes, they walk around tellin’ great big lies. They got little noses, tiny little teeth. Don’t need no short people round here.”

For a 5’4″ fourteen year old boy, that can be pretty rough. Even if Newman had most of it right except the part about the nose. Mine is rather large.

Who is Stone-Tarlow you ask? They’re the company with an ad in the back of Boys’ Life magazine for shoes that would make you 2″ taller. The ad showed a pretty girl with the caption: “I go for a TALL guy.”

So when people want to talk about the slings and arrows of discrimination, I hear you. Noone wants to be short. Every variation of the word is negative. Your flaws are shortcomings. Half-asses like to take short cuts. Losers get the short end of the stick. Hot heads are short tempered. When you got less than you bargained for you were short changed.

It’s a terrible and continuing injustice. The Academy Award for Best Picture went to “12 Years a Slave.” But I don’t see anyone beating down my door to make “50 Years a Short.”

Before you rush to the comment section below let me just say I’m kidding. Sort of. Did I feel self conscious about my height? Of course. But I’m not walking around with a chip on my shoulder about it.

In fact, I’m a little fed up with ignorantly sensitive people. The controversy with Stephen Colbert this week is an example. Colbert was roundly vilified for his segment on the Washington Redskins where he spoke of the “Ching Chong Ding Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever.”

Shit people, take an English class. It’s a literary device known as satire. Go read “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift. Or if you’re too lazy to read, go watch Archie Bunker in All in the Family. 

Have we grown so, um short sighted, that everyone has to be not just universally accepted but also celebrated?

I’ve gone on record on this very blog and stated that I support gay marriage. I do, however, have a problem when a man loses his job because he happens to hold a different view on the subject. The CEO of Mozilla was forced to resign over a $1000 personal campaign contribution to California’s Prop 8 initiative which called for a ban on gay marriage. Give me a break. When you fight tooth and nail for tolerance, here’s an idea. Exercise some. Not everyone is going to like you, or agree with you or accept you.

So at the risk of offending fat people everywhere, can we all just get a little thicker skin?

We can right after I exact my revenge on Randy Newman. How about we gather in Beverly Hills for a Million Man March? Actually my wife suggested a Half Million Man March. Just because it would be, you know, shorter.


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