10 Ways You Are Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be


  1. You ascribe intent.

Another driver cut you off. Your friend never texted you back. Your co-worker went to lunch without you. Everyone can find a reason to be offended on a steady basis. So what caused you to be offended? You assigned bad intent to these otherwise innocuous actions. You took it as a personal affront, a slap in the face.

Happy people do not do this. They don’t take things personally. They don’t ascribe intent to the unintentional actions of others.

  1. You’re the star of your own movie.

It is little wonder that you believe the world revolves around you. After all, you have been at the very center of every experience you have ever had.

You are the star of your own movie. You wrote the script. You know how you want it to unfold. You even know how you want it to end.

Unfortunately you forgot to give your script to anyone else. As a result, people are unaware of the role they are supposed to play. Then, when they screw up their lines, or fail to fall in love with you or don’t give you a promotion, your movie is ruined.

Lose your script. Let someone else star once in awhile. Welcome new characters. Embrace plot twists.

  1. You fast forward to apocalypse.

I have a bad habit of fast forwarding everything to its worst possible outcome and being pleasantly surprised when the result is marginally better than utter disaster or jail time. My mind unnecessarily wrestles with events that aren’t even remotely likely. My sore throat is cancer. My lost driver’s license fell into the hands of an al-Qaeda operative who will wipe out my savings account.

Negativity only breeds more negativity. It is a happiness riptide. It will carry you away from shore and if you don’t swim away from it, will pull you under.

  1. You have unrealistic and/or uncommunicated expectations.

Among their many shortcomings of your family and friends is the harsh reality that they cannot read your mind or anticipate your whims.

Did your boyfriend forget the six and a half month anniversary of your first movie date? Did your girlfriend refuse to call at an appointed hour? Did your friend fail to fawn over your tribal tattoo?

Unmet expectations will be at the root of most of your unhappiness in life. Minimize your expectations, maximize your joy.

  1. You are waiting for a sign.

I have a friend who won’t make a decision without receiving a “sign.” I suppose she is waiting on a trumpeted announcement from God. She is constantly paralyzed by a divinity that is either heavily obscured or frustratingly tardy. I’m not disavowing that fate or a higher power plays a role in our lives. I’m just saying that it is better to help shape fate than be governed by it.

  1. You don’t take risks.

Two words: Live boldly. Every single time you are offered a choice that involves greater risk, take it. You will lose on many of them but when you add them up at the end of your life you’ll be glad you did.

  1. You constantly compare your life to others.

A few years ago I was invited to a nice party at a big warehouse downtown. I was enjoying the smooth jazz, box wine and crustless sandwiches. What more could a guy want? Later in the evening I noticed a steady parade of well-heeled people slide past and disappear into another room. I peeked and saw a large party with beautiful revelers dancing and carrying on like Bacchus. Suddenly my gig wasn’t as fun as it had been all because it didn’t appear to measure up to the party next door- a party I didn’t even know existed until just moments before.

I do this frequently. Those people are having more fun. Mary has a bigger boat. Craig gets all the lucky breaks. Ted has more money. John is better looking.

Stop it.

Always remember what Teddy Roosevelt said: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

  1. You let other people steal from you.

If you had a million dollars in cash under your mattress, you would check it regularly and take precautions to insure it is safe. The one possession you have that is more important than money is time. But you don’t do anything to protect it. In fact you willingly give it to thieves. Selfish people, egotistical people, negative people, people who won’t shut up. Treat your time like Fort Knox. Guard it closely and give it only to those who deserve and respect it.

  1. You can’t/won’t let go.

These are getting a little harder aren’t they? That’s because sometimes you have to work at happiness. Some hurdles are too difficult to clear by simply adjusting your point of view or adopting a positive mindset.

Do you need to forgive someone? Do you need to turn your back on a failed relationship? Do you need to come to terms with the death of a loved one?

Life is full of loss. But, in a sense, real happiness would not be possible without it.  It helps us appreciate and savor the things that really matter. It helps us grow. It can help us help others grow.

Closure is a word for people who have never really suffered. There’s no such thing. Just try to “manage” your loss. Put it in perspective. You will always have some regret and doubt about your loss. You may always second guess yourself. If only you had said this, or tried that.

You’re not alone. Find someone who understands and talk to that person. Reach out for support. If all else fails, try #10 below.

10. You don’t give back.

One way to deal with loss is to immerse yourself in doing good. Volunteer. Get involved in life.

It doesn’t even have to be a big, structured thing. Say a kind word. Encourage someone. Pay a visit to someone who is alone. Get away from your self-absorption.

When it comes down to it, there are two types of people in this world. There are givers and there are takers. Givers are happy. Takers are miserable. What are you?


26 thoughts on “10 Ways You Are Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be

  1. I’ve shared this to all my friends, near and far. It’s great to examine these ridiculous things we continuously think and do to sabotage ourselves. Thank you for the enlightenment!

  2. Fortunate to have come across your post somehow. I’m in a bad place right now and find myself engaged in most of these daily. This really helps me identify where I need to begin the change. Thank you!

  3. As a medical provider, I appreciate your article for what I can share with my patients. As a person like everyone else, I appreciate the insight you have given me into my own life. I’ve made a lot of changes already with the intent of allowing myself to be happier but your article made me realize that there is still plenty of things that I can work on. However, realizing that there were even more ways that I can improve my life makes me happier already. Thanks for your insight, I hope that as many people as possible read your article and understand how much greater the value of happiness is relative to lesser important priorities in life. Thanks again!

  4. Your checklist couldn’t be more strategically accurate in identifying critical wrong thinking and the path out.

    Welcome to my top ten list of the brightest people in my world (if you’re wondering why you’re not #1 yet, see your #2?)

    Thank you!! 🙂

  5. Agree with everything you just said. It reinforced what I secretly always knew. But to believe that I am the star of my movie? Oh man! That was very well said. And I know I’m a giver no two ways about it. It hurts when you think, why me, why am I giving all the time and not receiving in equal measure? But one needs to change the viewing lens. Thanks for this Mr. Hoch.

  6. I’m embarrassed to say that this literally described me to a t! I have been dealing with all of these issues all my life and have been unaware of it. And lately it’s been causing me trouble in my marriage. My husband has been trying to tell me similar things and for some reason your blog just resounded with me. Thankyou! I’m going to print this off and post it in my home. You even mentioned at the end of your article about how you were a double standard expert or something like that. That’s an issue I’ve been dealing with in my life. My husband is begging me to change and I guess I haven’t been able to see it. Thankyou for posting this!

  7. Pingback: Stop Living in the Land of “What If….” | choosetoseewithyourheart

  8. Tim, this was the first article of yours that crossed my path. I immediately identified with it and felt relief! I’m not alone! Somebody gets me and has answers! I’ve enjoyed your other posts very much, but this is the one I go back to. I read it at least weekly, usually daily, and have shared with several friends. Thank you for making a huge difference in my life that has trickled over onto all of my loved ones. At 57, I’m finally learning how to be happy.

    • You made my day. Thank you for your kind words. I have been too busy at work to write anything new lately but I hope to start back up again soon. Have a great week and please keep in touch.

  9. Reposted this a few months back and revisited to find it’s as painfully poignant now as then.

    It is a moment when clarity and articulation intersect — here you nailed it.

    My appreciation … your excellence.

  10. Hmmm…you read my diary. I have definitely experienced all 10 of these. At 63, I sometimes think that I’m ready for the lessons to stop now. But, the struggles are the shadows that amplify the light. Acceptance is the hardest. Thanks for your post. It reminds me that we are not alone.

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