Good morning folks. I’m very happy to be here today to announce my cabinet selections. They are smooth, luxurious 100% cherry wood- no particle board- and made right here in the…..
(Donald Junior whispers in his ear and hands him a piece of paper)
Oh right. Here is a list and I will now tell you who I have selected to be my secretaries. I don’t know all of these women but rest assured all of them will be beautiful. Because they are secretaries. And I only hire beautiful secretaries, believe me. I am told that some of them may be men so I think it’s very clear that I do support the LGBT community. I mean a male secretary is probably gay, right? That’s just what other people are saying.
First, for my Secretary of State I choose Ted Cruz. I know what you’re thinking. “But Donald he said some truly awful things about you.” I know. But it’s Secretary of State. Not States. And the State I choose for him is……New Mexico. Believe me, new Mexicans are even worse than old Mexicans. Then when I build my wall I’ll go around the northern border of New Mexico and Lyin’ Ted will be trapped….in Mexico….where he’s from.
For Secretary of the Treasury-Jack Sparrow. Have you seen the treasure this guy finds? We could probably wipe out half the Obama deficit with just the stuff he found in Pirates of the Caribbean I.
Next is my Attorney General. Ladies and gentlemen it’s not easy finding an attorney who is also a general. Most attorneys are pussies, am I right? I’ll tell you what I’m thinking. Cap’n Crunch. I’m going to promote him to General and give him a bar card. He will be tremendous. #bigly
Secretary of the Interior will be Ivanka. She already has her own line of home furnishings. It’s all gold and very luxurious. She’s very hands on too. You should watch her hang curtain rods. What an ass. And by the way, my Mar Largo gardener, Jose, will be Secretary of the Exterior. But he has to stay outside.
My Secretary of Agriculture will be Jolly Green Giant. I mean, have you seen this guy? He’s huge. I frankly can’t believe I am the first President smart enough to choose Mr. Giant. He’s been around for years. Eats nothing but vegetables and look at him. Great guy. And he’s said very nice things about me.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Are you serious? This department is so obsolete it’s not even funny. If you don’t already have a house by now with these low interest rates, you’re a loser. But there aren’t enough people buying second homes. So I am changing it to Secretary of Vacation Housing because I believe every American should be able to realize the dream of second home ownership. Or at least a time share.
And I’m going to privatize the Urban Development part. It’s going to be known as Trump Urban Development or TURD for short.
My Secretary of Transportation is going to be that guy who owns Uber. Come on. #nobrainer
Secretary of (High) Energy. By the way, if I had to choose a secretary of low energy do you know who I would choose? You got it. Jeb!
But my administration is all about high energy so I choose….you’re seriously going to love this …..Tasmanian Devil. Have you seen this guy? He’s nothing but energy. And it’s a win-win. Let’s say Putin decides to invade Tasmania. He is screwed. There’d be no point. We already have their devil. He works for us. You’re welcome.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs. We have to care for the veterans who were smart enough to not get captured or killed. But they did get injured which is not good. And that’s going to cost us a great deal of money. Should they have been smarter about not getting injured? That’s just what some people are saying. You tell me.
Let me think about this one. On second thought you know what? I’m not so sure these Veterans even deserve to have affairs.
Secretary of Homeland Security. I can’t decide. The Rock? Or Jack Bauer? Or that guy from American Gladiators? Or Clint Eastwood? All of them have been very nice to me. So here’s what we are going to do. We are going to have a competition. It will be prime time Thursday on Fox Public Television and hosted by our new Secretary of Education-Willie from Duck Dynasty. It will be huge. Best ratings ever.